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#SoCS Oct 29/16– Insults & Anxiety

October 29, 2016

for Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt: in/out

socsbadge2016-17

For the past couple of months, I’ve been having severe anxiety and panic attacks. It has been nearly two years since my anxiety has been this high and I haven’t had a panic attack since October 6, 2014 – the day I traveled alone by bus from Tulsa OK to my beloved VA. I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out why NOW has my anxiety crept up and why NOW am I having panic attacks almost daily. Well, I finally figured it out.

As some of my readers know (those who’ve read my personal blog, As the Fates Would Have It), I left an abusive marriage back in Tulsa OK two years ago. My husband is a Narcissist who delighted in slinging insults at me on a near-daily basis, not to mention, he threw temper-tantrums and never allowed even the slightest bruise to his ego go unnoticed. He often reminded me of a childish bully on a playground. His mental and emotional abuse drove me into deep depression and suicidal ideation and attempts. He had my psychiatrist, therapist (at the time) and the police wrapped around his finger. No one believed that he was the catalyst to most of my mental problems. He even had me convinced that I deserved his abuse.

Fast forward to the current political atmosphere.

I finally realized recently that my renewed anxiety and panic attacks have occurred due to the insults and temper-tantrums being thrown by Donald Trump. I’ve tried my damnest not to listen to his speeches at his rallies, only catching snippets of them on the news, but I did watch all three debates. His behavior reminds me of my 13-year marriage and all of the mental and emotional abuse I suffered then. I realize that every time I hear him speak, my anxiety rises and shortly thereafter, I have a panic attack (usually when I lie down to sleep). My insides shake and my outer demeanor has also been affected (shaking tremors). I’ve had thoughts of cutting and my OCD has worsened. I spend a lot of time counting things of late and avoiding sharp objects.

Thankfully, my psychiatrist believes me and has put me on anxiety meds, but I fear that since I’ve been triggered, this anxiety will last longer than just this election cycle and especially if Trump becomes president. I just wonder how other people who’ve been in abusive relationships are coping with Trump’s abusive behavior. If they too have been triggered. I pray daily that he loses this election and slinks off into oblivion afterwards. I am not sure I could endure four years (or more) of his daily tirades. I would have to live in a bubble, avoiding television and the internet news. It would be like how I endured the last couple of years of my marriage before escaping and returning home to Virginia. If he should win, I just hope they keep a bed open for me in a mental ward somewhere.

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22 Comments
  1. I think we have the solution, Lori – https://waa.ai/jfDl

  2. So sorry about your challenges. Let’s hope this election season passes by so fast. That man Donald Trump is such a horrible person and actually makes my temperature rise.

    Let me invite you to my blog-o-ween party online. It’s fun
    https://acookingpotandtwistedtales.com/2016/10/29/its-a-blog-o-ween-lets-party/

  3. I feel for you. I mean, I feel it personally, the sickness and the anxiety and the shock and the horror and well, I feel it all, but I don’t feel it the way you do. It’s amazing to me how many grown people, mature adults, can fall hook, line, and sinker for a blatant narcissist. It’s scary.
    I hope the meds help, and I’m just so sorry you have to relive your painful memories.

    • Thank you, Joey. Sorry you are feeling the effects of this election too. The meds help a little. The painful memories will hopefully fade away again.. xoxoxox ❤

  4. Trump. Ugh! we need to get some old TVs and a stack of bricks and let you throw bricks at him.

  5. Ugh. One more thing on the list of “things that suck and/or are just icky about this year’s election.” I tried to make one of those “Pro/con” lists for each candidate, but so far, I’ve only got “cons” and no “pros” for any of them! So sorry to hear about this one! Hugs to you!

    • Thanks hun 🙂 I hope you work it out. I’ve made up my mind, but I understand the struggles many are having this year. My entire immediate family (mostly Republicans) are just sitting this one out.

  6. Well its a good thing Lori you found the courage to break free from your marriage. I could well understand how Trump could be a trigger to you, his obvious disregard for people, especially women and his posturing self righteousness would be enough to leave a long lasting bad taste in your mouth. For your sake I hope he never becomes President, what an affront to decent people if he does.

    • Thank you, Michael 🙂 Yes, he is an affront to all decent people everywhere. I still don’t understand how he got to be a nominee for President. I just shake my head and wonder what the hell is wrong with some ppl in my country.

      • There are nut cases everywhere Lori, even in this country people voted in some people with similar views….

      • It has definitely become scary times, Michael. I feel sorry for those in the UK too (and other parts of Europe). You have my sympathy and empathy. *hugs*

      • Thank you though I think you guys need the hugs more than we do…

      • *laughs* hugs, sunshine, cuddly animals… anything to keep our minds off of politics.

      • Yes sometimes there are far more important things to contemplate aren’t there.

      • Indeed, my dear friend 🙂

  7. I understand. Donald Trump produces in me a visceral response. His abusive insults make my stomach tighten, and I tense up. My former husband was emotionally abusive. My anxiety level has risen, and my therapist and I have had numerous discussions about this. It is nearly impossible to avoid Trump now. If he wins, I will join you in your bubble.

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