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#SoCS Oct 15/16– Screened In

October 15, 2016

for Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt: screen

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I am transfixed. My eyes cannot stop scanning the screen. Day and night, I sift through websites, article after article, while pieces of my spirit die little by little with each passing hour. Why can’t I tear myself away? Why do I care so much about who said what, or what he or she did? I am screened in.

This season of hate has warped my soul. I don’t even know what planet I am living on anymore. Is this really the state of America today? I am sickened by what I see, read, and hear. There is no repose. Nightmarish dreams. Cold sweats. Rapid heartbeats. Is this a horror tale playing over and over? Will it ever end?

My Reiki Master has told me one time too many, “Lori, an empath cannot handle this much concentrated hate. Turn off the screen.” And I know I should listen to her. So why haven’t I? It hadn’t yet become real…

Triggers…

It began last Friday. I heard the news, watched as a power-obsessed bully described how he treated women. The blatant banter of sexual assault. The laughing and joking. The self-entitlement.

It all came flooding back.

The time my sister’s then-boyfriend trapped me in the hallway behind the stairs. I was just 13. His hands all over me – up my blouse, down my shorts. His hot breath on my neck. His sickening words in my ear, “Big sister does, does little sister too?” Even now, I am revolted.

And the time my then-boyfriend wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’d been at college all morning and worked my waitressing shift all evening. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. He wanted sex. He shoved me on the bed, turned me over, pinned my hands with his and raped me anally. It was no longer about sex, but power. I was devastated then and the humiliation and pain sticks with me to this day.

But what lingers with me… I reported neither one to anyone. Who would believe a 13 year old? Who would believe that a boyfriend raped his girlfriend?

Sexual assault is about power. And the assaulters believe they are entitled to treat women anyway they choose. And women don’t come forward because they aren’t believed. And the few who do are ridiculed, humiliated, called liars, harassed and threatened.

Is it any wonder we remain silent? Like silent actresses on the silver screen.

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From → SoCS, Uncategorized

8 Comments
  1. So sorry you went through that, Lori. I don’t think I know any woman who hasn’t, to at least some extent. I’ll probably never talk about my own experiences publicly… even that’s hard to write.
    As Joey said, we are a sisterhood. Stay strong.

  2. Too many stories this week. I start feeling like victimization is sisterhood and it makes me so incredibly sad.
    I like to think the world is getting better…

  3. Sad commentary. I join you in hoping for a more peaceful and just time.

  4. I am so sorry for your experiences. Had a fair share of my own. You are not alone and I start to believe that the tide is turning. It soon will be the preditors who won’t win anymore!!!!!!

    • Thank you, Bee and I am sorry you’ve experienced some as well… I hope you are right, but unfortunately, just talking about sexual assault right now is called being too PC *sighs* Victim blaming/shaming seems to be on the rise.

      • It will because its the last stand of the pervs. They won’t last. But I think it might rather be our granddaughters who see the victory 😦

      • Aye, you may be right.. I worry about my grand nieces who are just becoming tweens… I hope they don’t have to go through what I went through

      • I fully understand. I have a twelve year old stepdaughter 🙂

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