366 Days of Writing Prompts – Day 69
Who’s the most important person in your life — and how
would your day-to-day existence be different without them?
I know this is going to sound incredibly narcissistic, but it has taken me 40-some years to be able to say this: I am THE most important person in my life.
Many people would argue and say that I have always put myself first, but that isn’t so. I have always been a bit of a loner and recluse. I won’t deny that, but when in relationships, I tend to lose my self-identity and become whomever the other person wants me to be. This happens because I don’t like conflict and will just give in.
However, there is also another factor: mental illness. I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality disorders, psychosis, OCD, and SAD plus a whole host of phobias. When I have flare-ups from any of these, I tend to completely lose who I am. I get lost in some ether and cannot find my way out. In the past, it has taken intense medication and therapy for me to find my way back to who I am.
So it is a combination of being too giving to partners and friends and not wishing for conflict and the mental illness. For these reasons, I tend to be very careful about who I choose now as partners (because I am a magnet for narcissists and psychopaths) and very picky about friendships.
I can easily tell you how my day-to-day is different without ME. I am listless, depressed, anxious, paranoid, either can’t sleep or sleep too much, I am not at all creative, no hobbies appeal to me, and I don’t give a rats-ass about anyone or anything, especially not myself. Death looms over me, suicide constantly runs through my mind and a razor blade is my best friend. I will drink excessively and have random (though protective) sex with strangers. I will spend money wildly because I don’t care or value money. And I will hurt those who care about me with harsh words that I can never take back.
All of that is what a lost me or a non-existent me is like. It is what I work so hard not to be. It is what I fight against constantly. So when I say that I am THE most important person in my life, I simply must be. It is the only way I will live and survive.
How about you, dear readers? Who’s the VIP in your life? How would life be without them? Share your thoughts with me in comments.