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366 Days of Writing Prompts – Day 69

March 9, 2016

VIP

Who’s the most important person in your life — and how
would your day-to-day existence be different without them?

I know this is going to sound incredibly narcissistic, but it has taken me 40-some years to be able to say this: I am THE most important person in my life.

Many people would argue and say that I have always put myself first, but that isn’t so. I have always been a bit of a loner and recluse. I won’t deny that, but when in relationships, I tend to lose my self-identity and become whomever the other person wants me to be. This happens because I don’t like conflict and will just give in.

However, there is also another factor: mental illness. I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality disorders, psychosis, OCD, and SAD plus a whole host of phobias. When I have flare-ups from any of these, I tend to completely lose who I am. I get lost in some ether and cannot find my way out. In the past, it has taken intense medication and therapy for me to find my way back to who I am.

So it is a combination of being too giving to partners and friends and not wishing for conflict and the mental illness. For these reasons, I tend to be very careful about who I choose now as partners (because I am a magnet for narcissists and psychopaths) and very picky about friendships.

I can easily tell you how my day-to-day is different without ME. I am listless, depressed, anxious, paranoid, either can’t sleep or sleep too much, I am not at all creative, no hobbies appeal to me, and I don’t give a rats-ass about anyone or anything, especially not myself. Death looms over me, suicide constantly runs through my mind and a razor blade is my best friend. I will drink excessively and have random (though protective) sex with strangers. I will spend money wildly because I don’t care or value money. And I will hurt those who care about me with harsh words that I can never take back.

All of that is what a lost me or a non-existent me is like. It is what I work so hard not to be. It is what I fight against constantly. So when I say that I am THE most important person in my life, I simply must be. It is the only way I will live and survive.

How about you, dear readers? Who’s the VIP in your life? How would life be without them? Share your thoughts with me in comments.

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7 Comments
  1. I wept when I read this! I can’t believe how much we are alike. The only differences I can see so far is I love people and worry also about everyone I know. Not myself though. All the specific descriptions you made about day to day it can change. I live like that. I have mental illnesses myself. Phobia’s out the ass and more increase with age it seems. I can honestly say I knew when I read the prompt what you were going to say and if you would have wrote anyone else I would not have got that. I find it hard to put ME first ever. I don’t know if I will change about the fact I love people but one thing that has changed is as of the past few years I no longer go out amongst people if I don’t have too. My sis and mama know this and do most all of my errands for me. I quit driving afraid I will hurt someone cause I freak out and can’t breath being outside and further from my house than a block. I have not actually tried suicide in the past but I did think on it more than I care to admit. You put your stuff into words well here. Someone that does not know you will see you are exactly as you put into your blogs and posts. Good Job! It does make me sad that someone I love hurts within so badly at times that she sleeps a lot or not hardly at all….hummm now is that not me too as I told you before…lol Love ya girl, Annette

    • I hid for a long time, Annette.. from the world and from sharing my life with others.. with so many people out there who have lived through similar things and even harder things, I like to tell my life to them to offer them hope and encouragement. I know our lives have been similar. I think that is why we are connecting so well 🙂 Love ya too hun!

  2. None of us can be present for others if we do not take care of ourselves first 🙂 That is not selfishness – it is a genuine loving yourself. So I agree with you, me first, then my family.

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