365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 7
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at
the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did
you do about it?
I first began feeling helpless back in 2004. I’d always had some depression, even as a child, but that year not only did the depression double, but I also became very agoraphobic. Until you’ve felt the inability to leave your home, I don’t think you can fully understand how helpless this makes one feel. It eased a bit and I was able to make the move with my husband from Virginia to Oklahoma in 2005. Once there, the depression became insurmountable and the agoraphobia returned with a vengeance.
Over the coming years, from 2005 until 2013, I dealt with agoraphobia off and on, but the depression became worse. I became psychotic, heard voices and was horrible suicidal. Beginning in 2008 until 2013, I attempted 7 suicides and was hospitalized 8 times.
It was in late 2013 when I finally had a saving’s grace by way of a therapist named Kathryn. She was the first therapist (and the last) who actually listened to my problems and helped me address them via Mindfulness. Without her, I am sure I would still be depressed, or quite possibly dead.
Today, I am off of all of the medication that I once took (6 different kinds!) and although I do occasionally have dark days, I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier and filled with hope.